Tuesday, 6 November 2018

The Taste of Happiness

In the classic Penny Arcade strip, Tycho mused "What is delicious?"
Perhaps the true answer to that question of philosophical proportions will never be known, but today I seek to answer the question, "Does happiness have a taste?"

If happiness did have a taste, what would it be?  How would you know it was indeed happiness you were tasting?

Picture it, Mad Duck cafe, Melbourne, like a year ago.  There I was, arising after finishing a coffee and beef pie, when I spot an oddity that demanded my attention.  A small, innocuous bottle in the fridge, proclaiming "WOODAPPLE", filled with a cloudy maple syrup coloured liquid, it called to me.


Being as I am, one with all food and drink, indeed a spiritual entity that is both the source and endpoint of all that can be consumed; I already knew what that bottle contained.  I'd never heard the term "woodapple" before, never imagined there was such a thing.  But I already knew I needed it, that my flesh craved it like a dying soul craves salvation.

In that moment I permeated space and time, and before the juice even touched my lips, I knew what I was about to taste.  I was about to taste the nectar that is pure happiness.

I downed the entire bottle in a mere moment, knowing I had achieved the highest state of joy any being, living man, or immortal God could experience.  Knowing there was nothing greater I could hope to experience or achieve in this universe, I promptly took my own life and, as a freed being I turned the tides of time on themselves and reversed history, back to before my first sip, only so that I may experience it again for the first time.

Days passed, years; only for the years to turn to millennia, the millennia all meld together, billions, trillions of years.  An eternity lived in short moments of life, 5 second increments as I drank and re-drank the glorious nectar, each time, for the first time.

When time no longer had any meaning to me, when I no longer knew who I was, where I was, anything beyond the purest joy that was the manifestation of Heaven in this physical universe, only then could I give myself pause for a moment.

I realised that what I had should not be kept just for myself, but that my joy should be shared with the universe, and in this act of nobility, I could bring peace and unity not just to all mankind, but to the universe and indeed all universes, from the tiniest microbe to the greatest of Gods.

And so here I return, a messiah, your saviour, to lead you through the Gates of Heaven.

Come, my stray sheep, my wayward children, and experience the taste, that is Woodapple Juice, from Raw Sip



Okay, so full disclosure... Everything above is absolutely exactly what happened, without any hyperbole.  But truth be told, then tragedy struck!

After my 5 week trip overseas (proselytising woodapple of course), I returned to find there was no more happiness for sale at the cafe.  After killing myself over and over for a billion eternities yet again, I figured I'd email and ask what's up.  Turns out not only will it be back in stock soon, but they figured seeing as I like it so much, if I give them a review they'll send me some!  This seemed like a good solution to my lack of liquid happiness.

I hope they aren't too horrified by my concept of a "review"...

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