Thursday, 20 October 2016

The Truth Behind "Going Short For Summer"

NOTE: I wish I could take credit for writing this, but I'm afraid the credit goes to a cowardly author who wants to be anonymous as they fear reprisal for their honesty.

I however do fully support and agree with everything in the article, except the Audrey Hepburn bit, because she obviously looked much better with long hair than short hair.  I don't know how anyone could think otherwise.


As a young man, my friends and I would wonder at the mystery of pretty girls with stunning long hair who suddenly slashed it to shoulder, ear, or no length.  We assumed some unspeakable medical situation had arisen and dared not pry.  Years passed, I got more female friends, more girlfriends, and knew some long-haired girls.  And I learned to my amusement how things actually went down. 

Let’s get something clear first:  If you’re a short-hairstyle girl; you’ve always looked great in a cropped tomboy bob or an elegant Audrey Hepburn bouffant – Good.  The following has nothing to do with you.  You know what suits you, let no one tell you otherwise.  This is directed at girls with a descending cascade of luxuriant locks gracing their crown, and are being convinced thinking of cutting them off to begin a style they are…not best equipped for.  For their own good, invariably.

Defs not having a go at you, sister.

Unlike men, women are naturally good at figuring out what looks good on them.  Left to their own devices, a girl will instinctively and swiftly solve this impossibly complex multi-factor problem and appear at their best.  The only exceptions are:

1)      Fashion sabotage.  Recent examples include low-slung jeans, the fake-tan and the tit-curtain, - fashion can convince otherwise sane women to deface their appearance.
2)      She just can’t be fucked.  Depressed, sick, better things to do, whatever the reason.
3)      Sabotage by other women.

Pictured: Light fake-tan as it appears to men.

This last has many motivations, and takes many forms.  Bad fashion advice, too much makeup, weight loss/weight gain harassment – it all happens routinely.  Of all these, the most common is bad hair advice.

See, every girl advising you to take it easy, go short, knows how much work you put into maintaining your hair.  To other women, well-maintained long hair is a statement of luxury, pride and status, as much or more than jewellery or brand clothes.  And like any statement of luxury, pride or status, this will draw the derision and envy of the less fortunate, proud or prosperous.  A girl who claims she isn’t impressed by your hair is about as convincing as a guy telling someone he doesn’t care what car they drive.

NEWSFLASH:  What your friends actually don’t care about is how busy your morning bathroom routine is.  So ask yourself - who are they really helping with their advice?

Do you think it’s easy for a skinny guy with a desk job to maintain a semblance of a masculine physique?  It’s inconvenient, painful gym sessions consuming 90+ minutes, 3 - 4 times a week, and there’s little payoff.   But it forms part of the statement he makes about himself, and betrays how he views himself.

And like long hair must sometimes be cut, and life goes on - sometimes the decision has to be made that hitting the gym is no longer worth it, or it can’t be done due to time, injury or other reasons.  But among men, this decision is seldom accompanied by:

Guys understand that they are giving up something, and their friends quietly respect this.  But no one bullshits you that it’s a good thing.  With hair it’s worse of course:  You can shape up in six months. You can’t get your hair back for 2-4 years, and unless you’re still 17 there’s a good chance that changing life circumstances will mess that regrowth process up somewhere along the line.  An ex of mine cut her stunning waist-length hair around the age of 21, and 5 years later it was never the same, and she bitterly, secretly, regretted it.  Maybe she’ll get it back before she’s 40, who knows?

Look, the only real advice here is:  Don’t listen to anyone else about your hair.  ‘Be your own advisor, keep your own counsel’ the saying goes.

But why?  Can’t you trust people for honest opinions?  Well, let’s narrow down who you obviously shouldn’t listen to:

Firstly, do not trust what your guy friends say.  By actual survey, 99.9% like your hair long.  And 90% will lie.  Not because we’re malicious, we’re just not idiots:

1) ‘Hm, I don’t know Lisa’s life intimately.  Maybe she’s sick, maybe her hair is damaged, maybe the new baby/job is making her time impossible - and she simply has no choice but to go short.  If so, making her feel bad when she’s just seeking reassurance doesn’t help anyone…’
Sure, you’d look great with short hair Lisa!”

Ok, sometimes, it really is time.

2) ‘Oh, there are other people listening.  Some of them are less-attractive friends, guys with short-haired girlfriends listening, older ladies, cancer patients, white-knights and feminists and yeah, I’d rather leave with my balls intact today.’
“Sure, you’d look great with short hair Lisa!”

3) ‘Oh, my GOD Lisa what have you done??  It’s a war crime.  I can’t say, ‘How was the lawn-mower, see you in three years?’…poor girl.’
“Wow, love the new style Lise!”

Ok, what about professional help?  Well, do not under any circumstances trust your hair-dresser for advice.  This is a person:
A)     Whose main stock-in-trade is shortening hair in exchange for money.
B)      Gets paid best when performing actions that inevitably destroy long hair, such as colouring, curling and straightening.
C)      Being obsessed with hair, is constantly tinkering with hers ensuring she cannot maintain it healthy with length - and are thus unlikely to see why you should, either.
D)     Despite ostensibly being a hair technician and expert, has surprisingly little good technology for maintaining healthy long hair.

‘Who needs long hair?’

Finally, and most importantly, DON’T trust other girls.  Talking to girls, these are the thought processes you will discover when they are unguarded or honest:
i)                     ‘I’m a girl who has always looked amazing with short hair styles.  Since I view the world through the lens of my personal experience, I can’t see why Lisa couldn’t pull off the same style if she wanted!  You know, despite it not suiting her, having little experience with it and her hair being one her most striking features.

ii)                   ‘Lisa’s amazing hair makes me feel subconsciously envious and unattractive.  Though I can’t put my finger on it, I have this good feeling in my gut that I’m being a supportive friend by encouraging her to try out something new she obviously wants!
You look fabulous.  Trust us.

iii)                 ‘I’m menopausal, survived cancer twice in the last decade, my life is not centred about looking feminine and attractive, I am happy with myself and my achievements, and have many fulfilling things in life that don’t depend on that aspect of myself at all.  Silly girl should grow up and stop spending time on being so shallow!

iv)                 ‘Lisa is a great person, but doesn’t work as hard as me, and nor does she have the second kid hitting that age, I literally have 15 seconds to cleanse the filth from my body in the mornings so I don’t have time for luxury-class hair.  Why should she??

v)                  ‘That bitch has always thought she was hot stuff, let’s see how she looks brought down a peg or two.  Or five.’

None of these but the last are particularly malicious.  But they are also not the source of objective guidance you seek. 

So long-haired ladies, please:
Ask your partner – in private.
Ask the mirror.
Most of all, ask yourself if you’re still worth it.

Sunday, 21 August 2016

A Step Too Far

I started on a new short story!  I haven't got a final title yet, or a description, or a cover... But click here to read it on Wattpad!