Thursday, 15 November 2012

Glaciers Are Awesome!

It turns out I am functionally illiterate as this is ostensibly an iceberg, not a glacier. But as glacier sounds cooler so it shall stand as eternal testament to my inadequacy!

So I saw this picture of a glacier:

I didn't get time to pay attention to the words, because - GLACIER!

How badass is that glacier?  On a scale of 1 to badass, that glacier is a deep fried bacon burger riding a flaming tank that fires swords!  It makes me think "Why don't I have a glacier?"  I feel this is a deep and intrinsic problem with contemporary society - a dearth of worthy goals.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying a glacier is an "end" per say, nor even a means to an end.  The having of a glacier is merely a representation that an end has been met and that end is awesomeness.

Let's just get right into this.  Look at that picture again.  Why do you not own one of these?  Where are you right now?  I'm in front of my computer in a room downstairs in a house I am renting.  It's a nice house with a nice view, it is not mine though and I see no glacier.  For that matter I don't see a moose or a caribou either, and this saddens me.  Where did we - you and me both - go wrong that we have neither a caribou nor a glacier?

Picture it, Saint Oluf, 1942.  No wait, that's the Golden Girls.

Picture it.  That is your glacier, perched upon its peak is a castle of stone and marble, your castle.  Sitting in the conservatory gazing across the vast ocean, pipe in hand, sword in the other.  Not intended as a euphemism.  Why a sword?  If you need to ask, you don't belong in this fantasy!  Nested in the depths of your glacier castle (note than in my world, glacier is an adjective), vast catacombs replete with indoor pool and golf course.

Failure to plan is planning to fail.  But planning to fail is also planning to fail.  And planning that doesn't involve a glacier castle conservatory in your near future is clearly planning to fail!

Thus let it be said for posterity.  I soon, shall own a glacier.  And a caribou.  So it is written, so shall it be!

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